Long distance relationship: He cheated on me and told me

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Dear Guys,

Let’s start out by saying I’m 17 and he’s now 20. We met a year and a half ago in Maryland. I live in Alabama but my dad lives in Maryland so I visit him every break that I get from school. I met him in the summer of 2019 at an under 18 club. We danced all night together and he asked for my number. We started texting and then talking on the phone for hours. I didn’t intend for anything to happen but it started getting intense. I would talk up to six hours a day and it came to a point where we exchanged the words “I love you.” (And I meant them when I said it to him.)

Let me just say my parents don’t support me with this. They have blocked him from my phone and everything. That made the situation ten times harder because when the people you care most about don’t care at all about what your passionate about, it’s hard.

I understand what could happen and all the outcomes that could come out of this situation. Of course we’ve had out some ups and downs but he stayed faithful to me for a whole year. Then he told me right before this summer when I was coming to see him that he liked this other girl and told me about everything that he did and felt. She gave him oral and that’s as bad as it got. I forgave him because I couldn’t help but love him. He promised me he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again.

We’ve been doing good until now. He is having some issues about me not being physically there. I understand that men react and get stimulated differently than females. I mean he’s 20 and hasn’t had sex in two years. He’s stayed pretty faithful. Well accept, he had intercourse with this new girl out of nowhere and he told me. I respect him for being a man and not lying to me and just straight up telling me. I know he cares about me and I know he loves me. He’s just going through a phase. I might be crazy for accepting it and probably forgiving him again in the future.

OH!! And here’s another thing. I’m changing my future so I can be with him. I’m lying to my mother, my step-dad and my dad about him. I’ve decided to move in with my dad in Maryland so I can be close to him and this is happening in seven months. I don’t know. Maybe he needed to get his sexual tension out? But seriously he couldn’t wait? Also I was coming to see him for Christmas in less than month.

That’s just my best trying to put it into long story short, and I guess my question is, should I forgive him? Or should I dump his ass? Or stay his friend? I mean he’s been faithful for two years and he tells me about everything he does so it’s not really cheating if he tells me. I understand his situation and why he is behaving the way he is. I’m just so scared he’s going to find someone else to replace me and fall in love with them. And when I finally move there, the space that I’ve left for him in my heart will be empty because he moved on.

I talked to his mom. (We’re close too, she’s our biggest fan.) And she says that she knew he was going to have to go through something like this, she just didn’t know when. She said that he never really got the attention from girls and because I can’t really give it to him physically he’s coping with it like that. But she swears up and down that she knows he loves me by the way he talks about me and that I have something special and that shes knows he loves me. She says it’s a phase and that she thinks he should go through the experience. I mean most guys pretty much screw a lot of girls in their prime years don’t they? It just sucks he’s doing it when we were “together.”

That brings me to another point. We don’t classify ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. We are just two people who fell in love who have been through hell to fight for what we have. But he knows we have boundaries and he crossed them.

I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Help Please!

Danielle

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Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question.

We understand how strongly you feel for this guy. Love strikes when it pleases, and when it does it’s difficult to contain. However, we also feel strongly that you shouldn’t be lying to your parents. Yes, we realize they haven’t been that supportive, but from their point of view they probably feel you’re too young to be having this sort of relationship with a guy you barely know who lives hours away from you. But believe it or not, their feelings come from a good place. They want you to be happy. They’re not trying to stifle your passion, but more keep you from getting hurt. Which brings us to this guy.

We don’t necessarily think you’re being foolish for forgiving him, but just because he TELLS you he cheated doesn’t mean it’s okay. He did cheat, plain and simple. And if he’s had sex with two girls, it’s likely there’s more going on than you realize. Or if there’s not, it’s not from want of trying on his part. Sure guys might need to go through this phase, but that’s no excuse. If he wants to pursue other girls he shouldn’t be stringing you along and telling you how much he loves you. And honestly we think you’re making too many excuses for him. (And why are you talking to his mother about this? This seems a bit odd. She’s stringing you along too. She shouldn’t be making excuses for her son either. She seems a bit too involved with this don’t you think?)

Our strong recommendation is to stay where you are and not move. You can always continue to be friends with this guy and develop a deeper emotional connection with him over time. And if you still feel this way in a few years, then maybe that’s the time to explore this more. But based on his actions he certainly isn’t ready to commit to you now. We know you think it’s all going to change when you move there but from our experience we doubt it. Sure, maybe for a while things will be blissful, but if he’s really having such a hard time now, his “needs” will become an issue soon enough.

We believe that love should be explored, but we don’t think you should change your life to be with this guy. If he really wants to be with you at some point, let him be the one to take the initiative. Let him be the one to change his life. If he does this, you’ll certainly know he’s serious about you. If you go live with your father to be with this guy, you’ll never really know the depth of his feelings for you. Guys love convenience, and if you move, you’ll be making this very convenient for him. You need to make him work a little. Please wait on this for a while!

Last note: If he’s having sex with other girls, you need to be careful. There’s a lot of “stuff” floating around out there. Your safety is important. And honestly, his actions have given you no reason to trust him.

Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question in the comments section here. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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